Thinking Outloud

I am stuck.  I can't seem to get where I want to go.  I don't know if I am sabotaging myself or if this is just the frustrating direction that I have to struggle through to get to where I am supposed to be next.  I want a new career away from the classroom.  I think that my burnout is a permanent condition that I have accepted.  But here I am substitute teaching to get the bills paid.  Yes, the bills need paid.  No, aside from writing, I don't know what I want to do as steady bill paying work.  No, I don't know how to figure it out.

I am guilty of some very Zen thinking that believes that the life I'm supposed to lead will present itself, it always has before.  It's never been a perfect life, but I've survived, raised a child alone, only gone hungry a few times, paid most of the bills with some help.  I've had relationships that I won't bother to label as successful or unsuccessful, the label is irrelevant to my current level of happiness although a stable relationship now would be a plus.

I guess that the real frustration is that I feel as if I am missing a piece of the puzzle.  So I don't know what I don't know (if that makes any sense at all).  Who, what, where, when, why, how?  Which of those is the key to what happens next?

Who?  The important who's would be a significant other, family, and friends.  I guess I'm kind of in between boyfriends, I'm finding players not keepers currently.  So that doesn't have any hand in determining my next move in life.  Family...my daughter is grown and though I'd like to be close to her and my grandson, they don't really need me.  As for my friends, they are very busy and involved in their own lives, so I rarely see them.

What?  I want to write...  Books, magazine articles...  This is an area where I sabotage myself.  I don't make time to write regularly and I let myself get away with telling myself that I'm not in the mood to write or that I don't have time.  I don't want to be a classroom teacher.  I don't want to work construction or be a secretary or go back to college.  I don't have any interest in architecture, botany, working a production line, or selling cars.  I don't have the savings (or the credit) to open a restaurant/night club/internet cafe, though those things would be fun, but they aren't my dream.

Where?  Where is irrelevant as long as I can afford to go see my family whenever I want to.  I can live anywhere as long as the job pays okay.

Why?  I want to write because its always been something that I enjoy and can do well.  I want out of teaching because even though the kids could read by the end of the year, the parents were happy, and the other teachers at my grade level told me that I was an asset and a good teacher, the administration didn't seem to see what they were seeing.  And I don't have the urge or the money to go back to college and get a degree in something new and different.

When?  Now.  There is only now.  And now I need money to pay the bills. Now I need a satisfying career.  Now.

How?  I guess that this is the part I am stuck on.  I get ideas for books, stories, articles, but for some reason they never get on paper and I forget before I can do anything with them.  I can't seem to stick with a regular schedule of blogging.  I haven't even researched how to submit inquiries to magazines.

So this is self sabotage.  It must be time to stop making excuses and commit to being a writer.  No more what ifs, no more buts...  Thanks for letting me talk this out with you.  I've got some work to do!