I suppose that everyone feels hopeless once and a while. My deepest despairs that have caused thoughts of ending my life have always come through heartbreak. Some male left me and I felt so empty and devastated that stupid thoughts briefly crossed my mind. But they were just flickers of thought. They weren't real. I've never reached for a bottle of pills or a knife or gun with the intention of using it against myself. I've wished for a nice cliff to jump off, but it was metaphorical because I am afraid of heights and could never bring myself to step near the edge.
Once, on a dare, I was asked to write a
“pretend” suicide note. I did. It's pretty good writing if I do
say so myself. I'll include it at the end of this post. It was
difficult to write and I had trouble staying serious. I read a few
famous peoples suicide notes. Kurt Cobain's note was quite beautiful
and well written. You'll see bits of his influence in my note.
On a more serious note, if you do feel
that life is no longer worth living, stop and think what a selfish
ass you're being and how many people it would hurt if you died. Your
life is sacred and miraculous and you can keep moving forward. There
is always a way. Find that last glimmer of love that you have for
yourself and do something to make that grow. Seek help. Ask. Help
is out there.
My “pretend” suicide note:
To whoever bothers to see
what that smell is...
It is past eleven o'clock
and all is silent around me. My soul is calm. I know that some will
not see the logic behind my actions. They will say, "she had a
good job, she had friends, she was healthy, she had a family who
loved her." It just proves that they never knew me. I have
questioned my life in every way, especially it's value. All I have
ever done is useless. My only value has been to create new life.
What kind of value is that? Sex as the meaning of life? Waiting
eternally for the myth of love to come and save me, to give me a
value that I don't have.
I am insane. Unlike those
considered sane, I can think. I can reason intelligently. I can
observe and learn from life. I can make my own decisions and follow
through on them. Since everyone else in this world revels in their
ignorance, unintelligence, and animalistic urges, I must put an end
to my misery. I wish I could be a retarded drone like the
rest of the world. I wish I could have the same conversations day in
and day out about sports, politics, weather, but I can't.
Someone once said,
"Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism." I
will admit that this is a permanent solution to a lifetime of
temporary problems, but I was told that there would always be someone
to turn to, and it's not true. Others don't want to hear my pains
and sorrows, after all, they are only human and can only take so much
strain on themselves before they shut down. My death is a gift and a
favor to myself and all those whose lives I have plagued. Why
prolong my death and cause more pain to myself and those around me?
This is not depression or
a broken heart, this is a resolve to stop believing the lie. It is
not because I am so alone and desperate, it is a choice to stop the
insanity of doing what I have been doing and expecting different
results. As long as I live the results will be the same. This is a
voluntary step into the unknown, where God awaits. This is a vow to
honor truth in a world of lies and hypocrisy. There has always been
something missing from my life. What wasn't already missing, was
taken from me. I have always been singled out, ignored, invisible.
No one cares. But I am not resigned to spending my life in the
corner. I take myself out of the corner and out of this life.
There is no need to place
blame on anyone but me, or die each day trying to understand my
choice, it just is and it is as it should be. Go ahead and think
that I was crazy if it makes it easier. But Death shall be my last
lover, holding me sweetly in his arms. Deaths kiss will take my
breath away as no other lover has. Let's hope I can die better than
I have lived. Goodbye. Only God knows when we will meet again.
LETHA
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